Things have been (well I wanted to say difficult but honestly that’s completely the wrong word choice, and as an self-proclaimed lover of words and the English language I’m ashamed I can’t provide another adjective that more accurately describes the pain but relief and harrowing self discovery/venture into the unknown black abyss that has willingly become my life and perhaps has always been my life but I’ve been afraid to cut ties and just release myself into it) different. I won’t write anything explicit due to the fact that people still matter and feelings still matter and although my speech is free, my words carry weight. BUT let me say that things are different. Changes have been made. I have to think after careful consideration that around each birthday I momentarily lose my mind. And when I say that I really just mean that I have a total shift of thought. This time around, like every time a life change is made, it brought pain. Heartache. Fear. But just as it did the year before and the year before that, it also brought growth and liberation. I can acknowledge the change as good and feel confident that things are for the better. I am for the better. That’s huge to a person whose daily thoughts and feelings revolve around self improvement, love, and understanding. If I’m closer to any of those things, I’m always better. So although this is cryptic, I just wanted to say it out loud (or rather, write it down) that things are different, but they are GOOD. Life is good. And the older I get, the more I get to know this person I am/becoming/will always be. My eternal soulmate, being of course, myself. And here’s the thing, I really like her. I’d dare to say I love her. And I know she’s going to be OK.
"There’s so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful, I promise."
Where i’m at right now
"So, what if, instead of thinking about solving your whole life, you just think about adding additional good things. One at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow."
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